Editor’s Note: The beauty community is a close one and with some recent losses of beloved members, the topic of grief has been looming large.

It’s one thing to navigate our own experience of grief, but how do we help others who have suffered a deep, personal loss? For hairstylists and beauty professionals, your empathy and people skills are your superpower---but even superhero empaths can find themselves feeling inadequate when it comes to expressing sympathy. 

McKenzie Kool, a therapist based in Calgary, has helped guide us through conversations around mental health and boundaries and was an excellent source to answer this MODERN SALON 101 question.  Kool will be joining us on an upcoming webinar on May 12. 

MODERN SALON: You’re seeing someone—maybe a client—for the first time after they have experienced a deep, personal loss—what would be good to say? Or not say? 

Mckenzie Kool: That is a good question. Grief is hard because we might think, “I don’t know what to say, I don’t want to make them upset.”  But it’s important to acknowledge it and when we don’t, often it’s because we’re worried that we’ll say the wrong thing.

There is nothing you can say that will make the pain go away. Instead, something simple, like, “I’m so very sorry, do you want to talk about it? And if you don’t, that’s ok, too.”

This allows someone to share if they want to and it offers them a space to feel and to validate their feeling. 

What not to do is try to fix it.  You can cook a meal and do practical things, but don’t jump in with platitudes, like, “They’re in a better place” or “At least you had time with them.”

Grief Is Complicated

There are so many feelings that are normal to grief.  After a loss, you’ll experience a wide range of emotions, and every feeling is valid. Unfortunately, the only way to move through grief is to feel it. 

 If you had a complicated relationship with someone or you were taking care of them one of the feelings you might feel is relief. We can also go through this bargaining thing, and start thinking, ‘if I could just turn back time’ or ‘I wish I had been taken instead.’

The brain does interesting things, you’ll experience a wide range of emotions, and every feeling is valid. Unfortunately, the only way to move through grief is to feel it. 

With a recent loss, the feelings match the situation, but if you think grieving is taking over someone’s life, and if you notice someone is stuck in grief, you might say, “That sounds really big. You don’t have to go through this alone—if you ever want to talk to someone, I can help you find resources” and you could recommend support groups or that they speak with a professional.

The last piece is to continue to check in.  Often, people receive a lot of support initially but six months later or a year down the road, they are still grieving. And people around them might think, “If I bring it up, won’t it just make them sad?” But it’s important to just check in, to ask, “How are you doing?”

Pets and Grieving

The death of a beloved pet can be a very significant loss. Again, things not to do is don’t ask the person when they’re going to get a new cat or dog; that is probably the worst thing people say to people who lose an animal.

I remember when I had a new puppy, and we ran into this man with a new puppy, and he looked so sad. “We lost our poodle last week,” he said, “and I thought this would help me and all I think of when I see this little dog is how much it isn’t my dog.” 

Take the time, wait until you’re ready. If you get to a point when you think about getting a pet and it makes you feel happy, and not sad, go for it.