Neglect. Abuse. Divorce. Addiction. If any of those words describes the household you grew up in, you still may be paying the price as an adult. 

“We not only perpetuate, but also protect the obstacles that stand in the way of our healing and happiness,” says Marta Maranda, author of the memoir What It Looks Like. “But there is always a way through, no matter what your situation.”

Dealing with her own rocky childhood, Maranda says that decades after the initial abuse she was still surrounding herself with trauma and keeping herself in a dysfunctional state. “During family therapy sessions, I finally realized that there are two dysfunctional people in an unhealthy relationship, and there is an entire dysfunctional family in an unhealthy family system,” she notes.

To heal, Maranda says she had to stop relying on negative coping mechanisms such as fear, anger, denial and justification. Comfort food, drugs and alcohol, too, have no place in building a new life.To change your behavior patterns, Maranda suggests:

• Look inward for reasons, not outward for blame. Even if the initial trauma was inflicted when you were at your most vulnerable, and by someone you should have been able to trust, at some point you have to take responsibility for your own life. “How are you contributing to the dysfunction in your life?” Maranda asks. “The decision to remain stuck in a dysfunctional life is yours. The responsibility to move forward toward healing and happiness is also yours.”

• If you’ve done it, admit it. Take accountability for pain you’ve inflicted on yourself and others. “Only by owning it can you change it,” Maranda says. “And only through change can you heal.” Likewise, look kindly and with humility at the good you’ve done. Own all that is valuable about you, and build upon it.

• Let go of shame. You have to choose between continuing to feel shamed, which leads to feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, or accepting the realizations as simply the information necessary to repair your life. “Much like a doctor needs to objectively understand what’s broken to diagnose a problem, so do you need to look objectively at your dysfunction and its consequences to heal it,” Maranda says. “Then use your healthy guilt feelings, not shame, as a reminder of what you can’t do again.”

• Build a support system. “Change is hard, and healing isn’t always comfortable,” Maranda says. “That’s why people often find their way back to what they know, even if what they know is destructive or deadly.” Building a support system of people whose perspectives get you out of your comfort zone and away from the dysfunction you know is essential for healing.